


The Ole Five-Finger Discount

by ushauz



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Gen, spot of crime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 19:39:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11192028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ushauz/pseuds/ushauz
Summary: Sera moves from Ferelden to Orlais and has a spot of fun with a heist while doing so.





	The Ole Five-Finger Discount

Sometimes Sera wanted to smack her past self. Not all the time. Most of the time she was alright, but times like now when her stomach clawed at her she wondered if she couldn't have kept just a bit of lady's gold.

No, no orphan kiddies got that. Orphan kiddies whose orphanage had burned down. Twice. Fucking noblehead shite. Fucking darkspawn. Hadn’t been there at the time, might not have lived herself. Not a lot of the kiddies lived, but reconstruction was slow going, so many new orphans with no place to live.

Her stomach twisted again, and she growled at it, teach it who was in charge. Stupid caravan didn’t even have food in it, just silks. Didn’t matter. Sera wasn’t staying here much longer.

At least she was making it to Orlais. She couldn't steal from Ferelden anymore, not and feel good about it. Almost everyone was just different shades of poor.

Fucking darkspawn bullshit.

Orlais was fat with it though and everyone wore stupid masks with ridiculously long noses and had greasy faces underneath. Yeah she could steal from Orlais just fine. Gotta be some friends there. Anywhere people were, friends were there too.

She wasn't carrying much on her. Bow, clothes, painted box miss dwarfy hero gave her. Hero lived through Blight-slaying, first one to ever do that, so gotta be some kinds of luck. Also, bonus, dwarf lady.

Her ears perked up. Another set of hoof beats. This weren't too different than driver jobs in the city, ‘cept for all the dirt and bugs and shite. Probably literal shite, not that there wasn't shite everywhere in the city, tossed from windows into gutters. Ride was here anyway, and she scooted back to entrance of the wagon. Her current ride was going away from Orlais right now, going down to Redcliffe, but it was a ride needed to get to this ride, tip from a disgruntled worker who had in turn not been tipped at all, underpaid for his work.

Fat Orlesian merchant profiting off of starving Fereldens? Exactly her kind of ride. She rolled out before the caravan probably comes into view, hid in nature. Probably got some fancy ass terms for it like _ferns_ or some shite like that. All nature to her. She weren’t Dalish. That had been made quite clear to her, not elfy enough, too stupid, too dumb.

This caravan had right proper guards, bored looking fellows. Sera wondered how many starving locals had tried attacking them. She then had to stop wondering, had to rein in temper and anger, the urge to kick in their damn faces for taking advantage of hungry people trying to live, tried not to imagine the satisfying sound of crunched bone under her heel.

She didn't succeed very well, but she didn't shoot nobody neither, so win/win.

She wasn’t quite sure how to follow them in the nature. Probably have to wait until they get ahead and then follow the tracks like some woodsy elf, wait until nightfall for their shite vision to kick in. She briefly wondered if anything around her was edible, but that's a poor way to go. Sera's seen more than a few kiddies die by stuffing plants they didn't know in their mouths. Bugs were safer. Bugs were also more fun. Maybe she should put bugs in their pants? Honey to attract bugs, needed to find bees.

Took a bit finding bees. It took longer getting some honeycomb from the bees without being attacked, but Sera was nothing if not talent. Downright bee whisperer she was. Bees were alright at times. Just gotta know how to approach them. Lot less complicated than wasps, but those were more fun for richtit parties, hide the paper nests in some of those wigs.

She considered the honey for a moment. She's a bit dizzy, lightheaded and woobly, but honey wouldn't fill that, would only make her more woobly later. She put the honeycomb into a spare flask and settled for licking her fingers and got a delightful buzz.

She followed the caravan quietly enough, though sometimes a guard doubled back, and Sera would have to hide in the nature again. Got leaves matted in with her hair. Stomach was really bothering her now, but at least it was being quiet. She waited up in a tree with a view of their camp, waited for them to eat, smelled the rich stew from over here and ignored the flask of honey. Waiting was the least fun part of this but essential for any good heist or prank. She once waited fifteen hours in roof gutters for the perfect moment to dump bad milk over a _sanctimonious_ Chantry sister.

Sera grinned. Good times that.

After a piss amount of time, there's only one guard who's stupidly alert. No matter. That's what sleeping powder was for.

She creeped up in his blind spot grinning, trying to see how close she could get before he noticed, waiting just for that twitch of movement before throwing the bag in his face and then proceeding to dump more sleeping powder on him, just in case.

Honey was used sparingly, but effectively, on the laundry currently out, in boots and definitely in any found smallclothes. Haul would be a bit trickier here. She considered again just shooting the guards, but then they wouldn't learn their lesson being dead.

She stole all clothes not swamped in honey and doused two other people who were starting to stir. And why not, dosed everyone else too. Lotta sleep powder on this, but hey. Worth it. Ser merchant boob turned out to be a heavy sleeper. Three separate drawings of penises on his face, all possession relocated to temporary latrine, holes cut out of his butt of his pants.

Only one thing left. She led the horses, tacking them onto the wagon. The sleeping powder didn't last forever, but natural sleep would hopefully keep them until morning or until curious insects found their honey. If there were some convenient fire ants in the area, well, their own damn fault for picking such a pisspoor place for a campsite, yeah?

She gently nudged the horses into moving. Poor things wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight. Nearest village was days away, but hey, friend of a friend who had turned to poaching to feed his kids just so happened to have a pair of horses waiting several hours ahead in return for some of the goods on caravan.

Sera grinned and started humming to herself as she rifled through their provisions for food. Not a bad first start into Orlais.


End file.
